On this page we will publish poems by Kieran Fletcher.
This poem, read by the author, won first prize in The Monday Night Club Has Got Talent 2019
Lately I feel like people hate me. Lately I feel like I have no effort to make me. Lately I feel like just about anything can break me. So ask me “how far will I go to be rid of the sorrow” to which fills me with a big gap which is hallow. Because just lately everything I feel is against me and life hates me. I can say I’d go as far as not seeing another day. Because these days I feel like I’m trapped in a maze. This time it’s not a maze of friends looking for thrilling ends, as a matter of fact those thrilling ends are back. I’m trapped in a maze composed of different ways and faces of society, to which gives me immense pain, depression and anxiety. I feel that my thrilling ends are now but made up of what’s at the bottom glass or on a knifes tipped end. I feel exponentially dead inside and feel no reason to thrive. I’ve become so mentally ill that the idea of taking a pill seems like a thrill even though I know it would kill. I can’t keep climbing this hill, because in doing so I’ve amassed a great sentimental cost and bill. A bill so big that not even love and affection can no longer fill to pay. I honestly don’t want to see another day as I’m afraid of what will happen or if its something I’ll say to make people run away. But hey I’ve got this far as they say, twenty years of life to which I’ve made some great strifes, also it’s been 20 years of tears, breaks and fears. It’s all building up to the point I feel like saying “screw it” n just giving up. With luck they say you’ll soon see things change for another day, change in which has had no expense spared but to be honest I feel like I’ve lost my hair, my self esteem and mental health is just everywhere. I feel like I have no control anymore as if I’ve lost control of my lifeboat and has washed a shore. I can’t do this anymore all these events in my life I’ve had no time to morn. Over the death of my grandmother I mean, the one and only who kept me on track believe me. 4 years you’ve been gone and I don’t have the strength to carry on. She used to teach me everything she knew but when the cancer came she upped and flew. Now I’m but left on this earth with my personality which has become my greatest gift and yet my biggest curse. Moving on with my thoughts I have to say I am suprised I’ve fought. Against life and all those who have abandoned me, I know I have my family to love and care for me. But I ask myself do they even care to stay just another day by my side, as I kick and punch my way out of this slump. My fight is still going and I’ve lost more than I’ve gained. It’s a shame that bad things happen to good people but who am I do judge I’m just over here about to die and keel. On top of the weights that I used to call my mates, I’m talking about the ones who upped and left. I feel like I’ve just been a victim to theft. I wasn’t always this way believe it or not, there but was a time I didn’t feel like such a robot who lacked the capacity to dream or a lifeless zombie who couldn’t turn to his family. Or his mom and dad for a little sympathy because he wanted to cut himself or overdose on pills just for ending thrills because his happiness was killed by a social standard. That a Male has to remain none frail and has to suck it up when he faces betrayal. Don’t tell me as Male I should not derail myself on this train track of life to which has put me through shit and I’m hoenstly just sick of it. How I’m told to get a grip or to deal with it. But tell me how do you deal with family, society and even something as deep as depression and anxiety. Thankfully I have my poetry to keep my insanity. But from time to time I feel like there is but no rhyme to save me from any sort of self inflicted or social crime. All the time day after wretched day I’m forced to keep these feelings hidden away, because if I keep them hidden away then people won’t even say the things such as “grow up” well to that I say shut up as I do my best to make an effort and show up I can’t stress it enough. People also say to “get a grip” why should I get a grip when life is shit and making me it’s bitch, tell me that isn’t shit. When you’ve been trying your hardest I’m fucking sick of it. I’ve had it for this rhyme my thoughts have been dealt and now I leave it to time. “Peace out for now” is what I usually say. But now I’m just hoping for a better day. As what can I say, all I can do is pray. But hey if your still breathing they say your doing better than most and if that’s the case, there better be some sort of way for a brighter day.
Good night and god bless as my grandmother once told me and in all honesty that’s the only thing that keeps me going to live this fucked up reality to which has fractured my mentally. Hopefully one day I’ll be more healthy and then after a while morally wealthy to tell my real story of what’s gone on in my head. But until then wish me luck as for now I’m not dead.